How Do We Solve This?

(Part Four of the Broken Promises Series)

We’ve talked about broken promises.
We’ve talked about being erased by databases, forgotten in committee hearings, and excluded from the tables where decisions are made.
Now it’s time to talk about how we fix it.

Because surviving spouses don’t need another study, task force, or token apology.
We need systems that work — and we need them built by the people who live with the consequences when they don’t.

1. Put Surviving Spouses at the Table

The first solution is the most obvious: representation.

Every department that touches survivor benefits — from the Department of Defense to the VA to Congressional committees — must include at least one surviving spouse on advisory boards, working groups, and policy review panels.

We cannot keep letting people who have never lived this experience write the rules for those who do.

• Mandate survivor seats in federal and state veteran commissions.

• Require survivor consultation before major policy changes, like TRICARE adjustments or DIC reforms.

• Fund survivor travel stipends to Washington, D.C., so financial hardship doesn’t silence our voices.

You can’t claim to serve military families if you exclude the families left behind.

2. Fix the Data, Not the Surviving Spouse

Most of the chaos survivors face starts with one thing: bad data.
Incorrect marital status on ERBs. Overlapping Title 10 orders. DEERS entries that delete entire lives with one glitch.

Technology can’t be an excuse anymore.

We need a Survivor Data Integrity Initiative — a joint DoD-VA effort to:

• Audit and cross-verify service records upon death.

• Flag conflicting data instead of voiding it.

• Allow record corrections after death with certified documentation.

If they can use artificial intelligence to track missile trajectories, they can fix a database that can’t tell a soldier was married.

3. End the Financial Free-Fall

No surviving spouse should have to choose between groceries and dignity.

Congress must:

• Pass the Caring for Survivors Act to raise DIC from 43% to 55%.

• Restore TRICARE survivor exemptions for healthcare enrollment fees that were stripped away in 2018.

The military promises to take care of its own. That promise shouldn’t expire when the casualty officer drives away.

4. Build a Survivor Support Pipeline

Surviving spouses need real-time, coordinated help — not a scavenger hunt through government acronyms.

• Create Survivor Resource Coordinators at every installation to bridge DoD, VA, and community resources.

• Train existing Family Readiness and Transition Assistance staff to continue service after the funeral.

• Fund state-level Survivor Advocate positions under agencies like the Texas Veterans Commission to provide regional support.

The next generation of survivors shouldn’t have to start from scratch every single time.

5. Redefine “Family of the Fallen”

It’s time to retire the outdated idea that the military’s obligation ends with a folded flag.
Being a “Family of the Fallen” should mean lifetime recognition — not limited access and endless reapplication.

That means:

• Permanent DEERS status for surviving spouses.

• Lifetime access to counseling and community programs.

• Inclusion in military-family legislative language, not as an exception, but as a defined category of continued service.

We are not “former” military families. We are forever military families.

6. Stop Talking About Cost — Start Talking About Value

Every time Congress debates survivor reform, someone brings up the cost.
But nobody ever calculates the value — of loyalty, service, and sacrifice.

A nation that can spend billions on defense should not nickel-and-dime the families who pay for it with their lives.

When policymakers say “we can’t afford this,” what they really mean is “we’ve chosen not to.”

The Free-Range Reality

Solving this isn’t about sympathy. It’s about structure.

We can’t legislate compassion, but we can legislate accountability.
We can’t undo every failure, but we can make sure the next spouse doesn’t live through the same nightmare.

Jay used to tell me, “A mission isn’t complete until everyone’s home.”
So that’s my mission now — to bring every surviving spouse home to a system that finally works the way it promised to.

Because honoring the fallen means keeping faith with the living.
And fixing the system starts by listening to the people it keeps failing.