How To Talk To Lawmakers
When You Are Tired, Angry, Or Heartbroken
A Practical Field Guide For Survivors, Caregivers, And Advocates
There is a very specific kind of exhaustion that comes from dealing with the military, the VA, or any large system.
It is the exhaustion that settles in after the paperwork, after the phone calls, after the “we are so sorry for your loss” letters that do not fix anything.
Then someone tells you, “You should talk to your lawmakers.”
And you think, “With what energy, exactly?”
You Are Allowed To Be Angry
First, let us clear something up.
You are allowed to be angry.
If your loved one died from a preventable failure, if your benefits are stuck in administrative limbo, if your family is living with the fallout of decisions you did not make, you are allowed to be furious.
Anger is not the problem. Unfocused anger is.
Lawmakers and staff are used to people venting at them. They are not used to people combining anger with precision.
Your goal is not to hide your emotions. Your goal is to harness them.
Step One: Write It All Down, Then Edit Ruthlessly
Before you call, email, or schedule a meeting, get the chaos out of your head.
Open a document or a notebook and write the whole messy story:
What happened
Who dropped the ball
How long it took
How it affected you financially, medically, emotionally
Do not worry about being polite. This is the “get it out of your system” draft.
Then, walk away for a bit. Come back and do three things:
Underline the key facts. Dates, decisions, amounts, denials, names of agencies or offices.
Circle the impact. What did this cost you. Lost income. Lost health. Lost time.
Highlight the pattern. Is this a loophole, a policy, a delay, a lack of oversight.
What you bring to a lawmaker is NOT the whole vent. You bring the underlines, circles, and highlights after you have clarified and rewritten them.
Step Two: Know What You Want
The quickest way to lose a lawmaker’s attention is to unload a heartbreaking story and then have no clear ask.
Before you meet or call, decide:
Do you want them to support or cosponsor a specific bill
Do you want them to contact an agency on your behalf
Do you want them to push for a hearing or oversight
Do you want them to help draft corrective legislation
Your ask can be as simple as:
“I am asking you to support [bill number] because families like mine are being left behind.”
or
“I am asking your office to help resolve my case and to look at how many other families are stuck in the same situation.”
If you do not know exactly which bill fits yet, you can say:
“This is the gap. I am asking you to help close it.”
Step Three: Use A Simple Structure When You Speak
Here is a basic structure you can use for calls, emails, or meetings.
1. Who you are
“Hi, my name is [Name]. I live in [City, State]. I am a [surviving spouse / caregiver / veteran / family member].”
2. What happened
“In [year], my [relationship] [brief description of what happened]. We were told [what you were promised or led to expect]. Instead, [what actually happened].”
3. Why it matters beyond your family
“This is not just my story. I have heard from other families dealing with the same problem. It is a pattern, not a fluke.”
4. What you want
“I am asking your office to [specific action].”
5. What you can provide
“I can share documentation, timelines, and more details if that would be helpful.”
That is it. You do not have to give them the unedited director’s cut of your trauma. You just have to give them enough to understand the failure and the fix.
Step Four: Let Your Humanity Show, But Keep The Focus
You do not have to be robotic. You do not have to keep your voice perfectly steady. If you cry in a meeting, you did not “fail.” You are a person, not a press release.
It is okay to say:
“This is difficult to talk about.”
“I am angry and I am also tired of being angry.”
“I am doing this because I do not want other families to go through what we did.”
Those statements do two things:
They acknowledge your emotions, and they bring the focus back to the purpose of the conversation.
Step Five: Prepare For The Annoying Parts
There are some things that might happen which are frustrating but normal:
The staffer is younger than your socks.
They mispronounce the name of a program that runs your life.
They seem rushed or distracted because three other crises are happening.
Do not let that convince you your story does not matter.
Staffers are often the ones who do the actual digging, research, and drafting. If you reach a good staffer, you have reached the engine room.
I understand how unsettling it can be to realize just how much influence twenty-something staffers have in our government. Many of the people shaping legislative priorities are barely out of college, yet they hold tremendous power in what does and does not move forward.
That’s why I always stay respectful and intentional in those conversations. I’ll often acknowledge their role directly by saying, “I know you’ll be the one researching and making recommendations for the Congressman/Senator/insert elected official. If you need anything from me, please reach out,” and then I hand them my card.
It recognizes their authority, respects their workload, and opens the door for a real working relationship — which is exactly how you get things done in D.C.
If they are listening, taking notes, and asking questions, you are not wasting your time.
Step Six: Follow Up Without Apologizing
You are allowed to follow up.
After a meeting or phone call, send a short email:
Thank them for their time
Re-state your main point
Re-state your ask
Offer any documents you mentioned
Then, put a reminder on your calendar to check back in a few weeks.
You do not need to open with “I am so sorry to bother you.” You are not bothering them. You are doing your job as a constituent.
A simple “I wanted to follow up on our conversation about [issue] and ask whether your office has been able to [take action]” is enough.
When Your Heart Is Breaking, Remember Your Why
Talking to lawmakers while grief or burnout is still raw can feel like trying to speak in a language you barely know.
On the days you ask yourself “Why am I doing this,” remember:
You are not just fighting for your family.
You are building a record.
You are putting your story on the official radar.
Even when nothing seems to move, your voice becomes part of the pressure that eventually forces change.
You are allowed to be tired.
You are allowed to be angry.
You are allowed to be heartbroken.
And you are still allowed to pick up the phone and say, “I live in your district, and you need to hear this.”
