The Free-Range Advocate’s Completely Unofficial Rules for Life

note: these are Advocate rules for life, not Tori’s rules for life, my personal rules are just that, personal…to quote MCB Agent Franks “Classified”

At some point, most of us develop a personal operating manual.

Not an actual manual, of course. That would imply organization.

I mean the little rules you collect after years of dealing with people, government agencies, technology, meetings, bad planning, good coffee, questionable judgment, and printers that can smell fear.

These are mine for life as an advocate.

They are not legally binding.

There was no public comment period.

No committee reviewed them.

And I reserve the right to add new rules whenever humanity gives me fresh material.

Rule #1: Read the Damn Thing Before Arguing About It

The bill. The article. The email. The instructions.

The terms and conditions.

Okay, nobody reads all the terms and conditions. I am trying to be realistic here.

But if you are going to have a passionate opinion about something, it helps tremendously if you have actually read the thing you are passionately discussing.

Headlines are not research.

Memes are not legislative analysis.

And your cousin’s Facebook post is probably not an authoritative source.

Read first.

Yell later.

Rule #2: Put the Location on the Flyer

This apparently needs to become federal law.

If you are holding an event, tell people where it is.

City. State. Actual location.

Preferably an address.

Do not post:

Veterans Appreciation Dinner
Saturday at 6 PM
Come Join Us!

Wonderful.

WHERE?

Texas is a large state. I am not driving around until I find balloons.

And while we are at it, include the time, parking information, cost, and whether registration is required.

A QR code is nice.

A regular URL is also nice.

Making people solve a scavenger hunt to attend your event is not outreach.

Rule #3: Feed People at Meetings Longer Than Two Hours

This is civilization.

If you expect grown adults to sit in a room discussing budgets, programs, policy, strategic planning, or anything containing a PowerPoint presentation with more than 40 slides, food needs to enter the equation.

I am not demanding prime rib.

Sandwiches will do.

Cookies help morale.

Coffee and Tea may prevent an international incident.

There is a point during every long meeting when nobody is listening anymore because everyone is thinking about lunch.

Plan accordingly.

Rule #4: The Mind Can Only Absorb What the Butt Can Endure

This may be one of the most important rules of meetings.

If you schedule people to sit in a conference room for four, six, or eight hours, schedule breaks.

Actual breaks.

Not:

“We are running a little behind, so why don’t we work through the break?”

No.

The break is not decorative. People need to stand up.

Stretch. Walk around. Refill their coffee. Check their phone.

And visit the necessary room that polite society has given approximately 47 different names because apparently we still cannot simply acknowledge that human beings have bladders.

After a certain amount of time sitting in a chair, nobody is absorbing your presentation anymore.

They are calculating the distance to the restroom and wondering whether leaving quietly would be considered rude.

Give people ten or fifteen minutes. Let them move.

Let them breathe. Let them return with functioning circulation.

The mind can only absorb what the butt can endure.

That is not laziness.

That is anatomy.

Rule #5: Never Trust a Printer When You Are Already Late

Printers know. They sense urgency.

A printer that has operated perfectly for six months will suddenly decide that the morning of an important meeting is the perfect time to install an update, lose the Wi-Fi connection, run out of cyan, jam on page three, and announce:

PC LOAD LETTER.

Whatever that means.

Print important things the night before.

This rule was written in suffering.

Rule #6: Comfortable Shoes Outrank Fashionable Shoes

There comes a point when you realize nobody at the conference is actually paying attention to your shoes.

And if they are, they probably are not the person you came to talk to anyway.

I have walked enough convention centers, government buildings, airports, parking garages, fairs, meetings, and events to understand one basic truth:

Blisters are not professional development.

Wear the comfortable shoes.

Your feet have voting rights.

Rule #7: “We’ve Always Done It This Way” Is Not an Explanation

Sometimes the old way is the best way.

Sometimes it is the dumbest possible way, preserved through generations because nobody wanted to ask why.

Tradition can be valuable.

Institutional knowledge can be valuable.

Experience matters.

But if the only explanation for doing something is:

“That’s how we’ve always done it,”

someone needs to ask another question.

Preferably several.

Possibly while holding coffee.

Rule #8: Dogs Are Usually Better Judges of Character Than Committees

This is completely unscientific.

I stand by it anyway.

A dog can evaluate a human being in approximately eleven seconds.

A committee may require six meetings, three subcommittees, a stakeholder survey, a strategic assessment, and a final report due sometime next fiscal year.

Meanwhile, the dog has already decided.

I am not suggesting dogs should replace congressional oversight.

Although I have attended meetings where the Labrador might have moved things along.

Rule #9: If You Make a Mistake, Own It

Everybody screws up.

I do. You do. Organizations do.

Government agencies certainly do.

The mistake is usually survivable.

The three weeks spent pretending the mistake never happened are where things get interesting.

There is enormous power in saying:

“Yep. I got that wrong. Let me fix it.”

No press release.

No 14-paragraph explanation.

No blaming Mercury retrograde, supply chains, the previous administration, the next administration, your intern, or Kevin from Accounting.

Own it. Fix it. Move on.

Rule #10: If Someone Brings Ice-Cold Diet Mountain Dew or Good Coffee, Hear Them Out

This is audience-dependent diplomacy.

Know your stakeholders.

Some people require excellent coffee.

Some of us can be persuaded to remain in a meeting considerably longer if an ice-cold Diet Mountain Dew appears.

This is not bribery. This is hospitality.

There are probably ethics regulations concerning the exact dollar amount where caffeine becomes an improper gift, so govern yourselves accordingly.

But bringing someone their preferred beverage says:

“I paid attention.”

And that goes a surprisingly long way.

Rule #11: Ask the Stupid or Weird Question

Especially when everyone else appears to understand something.

There is a very good chance several other people in the room are equally confused and are simply better at looking serious while nodding.

Ask.

“What does that acronym mean?”

“Where did that number come from?”

“Who actually qualifies?”

“What happens after the funding ends?”

“Why are we doing it this way?”

Occasionally the stupid question turns out to be the most important question anyone asked.

Rule #12: Not Everything Requires a Meeting

Sometimes an email will do.

Sometimes a phone call will do.

Sometimes the answer is literally one sentence.

If the meeting invitation contains the phrase “just a quick sync”, proceed cautiously.

Those words have stolen millions of productive hours from the American people.

Rule #13: People Matter More Than Organizations

Organizations change.

Leadership changes.

Programs disappear.

Logos get redesigned for reasons nobody understands.

But people remember who returned the phone call.

Who helped. Who listened. Who showed up.

Who told them the truth when the answer was not what they wanted to hear.

Never become so loyal to an institution that you forget why the institution exists.

Rule #14: Humor Is a Survival Skill

Some things are serious. Some things are heartbreaking.

Some things deserve anger.

But if you cannot occasionally laugh at the absurdity of life, bureaucracy, technology, politics, meetings, paperwork, and the human condition, all of it will eventually eat you alive.

Sometimes laughter is not dismissing the seriousness of the situation.

Sometimes it is how you carry it.

And Finally, Rule #15:

Don’t Be a Dick

This rule covers an astonishing amount of territory.

You can disagree without being cruel.

You can correct someone without humiliating them.

You can advocate passionately without treating everyone on the other side like an enemy.

You can be important without making sure everyone knows you are important.

You can admit you were wrong.

You can help someone who cannot do anything for you in return.

You can say thank you.

You can hold the door.

You can answer the email.

You can treat the staff with the same (or more/better) respect you give the Congress Critter (gender neutral term).

Most of life is complicated.

This part really is not.

Don’t be a dick.

Everything else is subject to revision.