The Myth of Resilience
Resilience is the most overrated virtue in modern military and veteran life. Somewhere along the line, it stopped meaning “you can get through hard things” and started meaning “you can survive anything, so we don’t have to help.”
I’ve been called resilient more times than I can count, and it’s rarely felt like a compliment. It usually shows up right after I’ve crawled through another crisis with duct tape, caffeine, and stubbornness — as if survival is proof that the system works instead of proof that I refused to let it fail me.
The Participation Trophy for Suffering
Let’s be honest: “resilience” has become a polite way of saying, “You’re used to being screwed over.” It’s the corporate and military/veteran version of a participation trophy for pain.
Lose your spouse? You’re so resilient.
Battle through bureaucracy for years? You’re incredibly strong.
Survive on a shoestring budget while helping others? We admire your resilience.
Translation: we admire how much nonsense you’ll tolerate before demanding change.
When Strength Becomes an Excuse
Every time we’re labeled resilient, someone somewhere breathes a sigh of relief. Because if we can endure it, they don’t have to fix it.
The VA drags its feet, but “spouses are resilient.”
The job market collapses, but “veterans are adaptable.”
The support systems crumble, but “advocates are strong.”
Resilience becomes the shield that institutions hide behind. It’s the invisible contract that says, “We’ll break you, you’ll heal, and we’ll call it character development.”
The Unpaid Job of Holding It Together
Being resilient isn’t glamorous. It’s unpaid overtime on your own survival. It’s crying in your car between appointments, sending professional emails through tears, and waking up every day pretending you’ve got this because someone else needs you to.
We glorify strength so much that asking for help feels like failure. We treat vulnerability as weakness instead of wisdom. And the cruelest part? The stronger you appear, the less support you get.
The “Bounce Back” Lie
Society loves a comeback story. They want the tidy arc — tragedy, triumph, applause. What they don’t want is the messy middle, the part where you’re exhausted, bitter, and wondering if it’s even worth it.
But real resilience isn’t about bouncing back. It’s about bending without breaking — and sometimes about refusing to bend anymore. It’s saying, “No, actually, I’m done being the strong one for everyone else.”
Because strength without rest becomes self-destruction.
Humor Helps (Until It Doesn’t)
I joke about it, of course. Humor is cheaper than therapy. I call myself a “professional phoenix” — ashes, rebirth, repeat. But sometimes I wish someone would look past the jokes and ask, “Do you want to stop catching fire for a while?”
Honestly, I’d rather be a dragon than a phoenix. Dragons don’t have to burn to prove their strength — they control the fire. They keep it, guard it, and use it when necessary. That’s not just resilience; that’s mastery.
The Truth Beneath the Myth
We were never meant to live in a constant state of resilience. Humans aren’t rubber bands; we’re flesh and feeling. Strength isn’t sustainable without safety, and courage doesn’t mean much without compassion.
It’s time to retire resilience as the gold standard and replace it with something better — empathy, community, and rest.
Stop admiring how well people survive hard things, and start asking why they have to.
— said by Tori Seals, because someone had to say it
