Things That Are Faster Than Government Paperwork: A Non-Comprehensive List
There are some universal truths in life:
water is wet, Texas weather is unhinged, and government paperwork moves at the speed of a tranquilized sloth.
So to honor the sacred art of Waiting on Bureaucracy, here is a non-comprehensive, wildly accurate list of things that are 100% faster than government paperwork.
You’re welcome.
And I’m sorry.
1. Continental Drift
The continents have been inching apart for millions of years.
Still faster.
2. A Toddler Cleaning Their Room
They will weep.
They will negotiate.
They will get distracted by a single sock.
And even then, they will finish sooner than the VA updates your claim status.
3. A DMV Line When You Didn’t Bring the Right Documents
You’ll make friends.
You’ll question your life choices.
You’ll age three years.
But you will still leave that building before your government form is processed.
4. A Snail on a Motivational Journey
Imagine a snail.
Carrying a tiny backpack.
Pacing itself.
Taking water breaks.
Still faster.
5. Congress Naming a Post Office
A unanimous vote?
In this political climate?
Absolutely shocking —
but somehow still quicker than reviewing your dependency form.
6. Your Phone Updating at the Worst Possible Moment
It restarts.
It freezes.
It says “installing 1 of 97 updates.”
Still done by tomorrow morning.
Unlike your paperwork.
7. The Speed at Which Someone Notices You Parked in Their Unwritten Spot
Base housing residents moved faster than Olympic sprinters the moment you accidentally parked in “their” space — the one with no markings, no signs, and absolutely no legal assignment.
Still quicker than a FOIA request.
8. A Middle School Drama Rumor
Say one sentence in the hallway and the entire school knows by fourth period.
Government agencies?
“We’ve received your documents and will get back to you sometime this decade.”
9. Molasses in January
It literally has a saying about being slow.
And yet…
still faster.
10. Christmas Shipping During a Blizzard
Even when half the country is frozen and FedEx is sliding down driveways like Bambi on ice, your package will arrive before your corrected award letter.
11. The Military Deciding to Change Plans Right After You Get Settled
You just sat down.
You just poured coffee.
You just emotionally relaxed for three seconds.
And that is exactly when the Army says,
“Actually, we’re doing something else.”
Faster than you can blink.
12. A Four-Year-Old Explaining Anything
It is messy.
It is circular.
It is confusing.
But the child will finish their story faster than it takes the government to finish a background check.
13. The Deployment Curse
Nothing moves quicker than the moment your spouse leaves the driveway and:
the car breaks
the water heater explodes
the dog gets diarrhea
the roof starts leaking
the washing machine starts producing smoke
Every single disaster moves quicker than a government claim.
14. The Emotional Spiral You Enter After Reading a Government Letter
“Action needed.”
“Further evidence required.”
“We closed your case because….”
You go from zero to existential crisis faster than the envelope hit the table.
Still quicker than the processing time.
But Here’s the Punchline: We Still Navigate It All
We joke because we have to.
Because the system is slow.
Because the wait is brutal.
Because the stakes are high.
Because the paperwork feels endless.
And because humor is the only thing faster than government processing —
and far more reliable.
Survivors, veterans, caregivers, and military families don’t want miracles.
We want efficiency.
We want compassion.
We want answers.
But until that day arrives?
We’ll laugh.
We’ll cope.
We’ll advocate.
We’ll snack aggressively.
We’ll check the portal again (even though we know better).
And we’ll keep pushing for change —
faster than the government can process a single form.
If that’s not admirable, nothing is.
